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August 07 Total Strangers I HateA few years ago, I was experiencing severe toothaches where the simple act of chewing would send agonizing pains shooting through my neck, my jaw, my teeth, and my skull. In this fucked up macho-driven world, it is a sorry thing for a man to admit he's in pain, especially in front of women, who do not esteem him for his honesty but feel nothing but contempt, even if they feign pity. Since I could not see the dentist until Monday, I endured these pains for a few days, seriously contemplating a bullet in my brain to end the suffering. Suicide was out of the question, so I took pain killers to ease the situation. I have met some sympathetic gentle dentists in my life, a few that were not judgmental sadistic self-righteous pieces of cowshit, but the nice ones were few and far between. I popped a piece of gum in my mouth so I wouldn't inflict my bad breath on anyone in the dentist office, and chewed on the other side of my mouth to avoid the screaming pains. Without complaining, without whining, desperately attempting a stoic facade, I merely explained the situation to the dental assistant, who glibly and smugly remarked that I was chewing gum. Her implication: my pain was bullshit, I was wasting her time, I am a big fat baby. I have experienced scores of situations just like this one, where a total stranger gets in my face, unprovoked, for absolutely no reason. I have no idea what kind of life such a person has led to treat me this way, I have no idea if there is something particular about me that has made them single me out, I have no idea if under other circumastances they may be perfectly decent people, and this is simply an anomaly. My typical reaction is to be stunned, too surprised to properly defend myself. I merely pointed out matter of factly that I was using the other side of the mouth to chew the gum. I didn't mention the pain killers I was taking. Sadly, there are laws against assault and battery. Even more tragically, society frowns upon a man who hits a woman, even when that woman has viciously undercut the tenuous remains of his masculinity. I should have stared her down and said nothing. I should have stared her down and waited for an apology, and I should have complained loudly at the front desk until I got myself another dental assistant. If you are in the health care industry, you have two choices. Be sympathetic, or shut the fuck up.
I have already written about the worst dentist in the history of dentistry in another blog. His wife was as sweet and gentle as a person could possibly be. He was a sadistic asshole who humiliated me and then tortured me. If I had the courage to fire six shots into his extremities--one in each arm, one in each leg, one in each hand, and one in each foot--I would do so and gladly accept the consequences. "How does it feel, fuckface? How does it feel?"
I could go on an on, I could write page after page of resentful bullshit, reliving past humiliations. That's why I stupidly turned my computer on this morning, because I was unable to concentrate on anything productive. So I stupidly go over these inconsequential bullshit situations because I was too cowardly to take matters into my own hands ages ago. How completely pathetic, to live this comfortable bourgeois life when I could have been truly authentic years ago. If you want to be real, don't turn the other cheek.
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