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6月17日 10% of Your BrainIt would be impossible to judge the actual percentage rate, but I have spent the last 42 years of my life saying and doing so many dumb things, 10% may be about right. Who knows how many brain cells I have killed from drinking and drugging and eating tuna sushi? My memory gets worse and worse every year, and yet I can recall with pinpoint accuracy just about every humiliating defeat I would very much like to forget. I call these moments "the cringe." When I think of something I said or did a few years or a even a few decades before, and I actually cringe as if it had just happened yesterday. It doesn't really matter to me that no one else remembers these moments. I believe they managed little by little year by year to turn me into the spineless worm I am today. There are times when I look at the world and I think how utterly stupid other people are; other times I look at myself and I think, how come I can't do that simple little thing, and everyone else can? Why is my brain shutting down on me? Is there a connection missing?
I have noticed many red flags, warning me that people were bad news. Was I too thick to properly evaluate them? Was I too cowardly to confront people who were antagonizing me? Was I too lonely and pathetic to stay away from women who gave me sex as well as abuse? I am not masochistic. I don't enjoy it when friends, family, lovers, and strangers abuse me to my face. So I must feel guilty, I must feel as though punishment is owed to me, or I never would have spent any time with Bridget and Shelley. They had nothing to offer me but their bodies, and yet I clung to the hope that they would give me their bodies and their love. They gave me nothing. How very foolish to keep hoping for so long. Jennifer gave me everything, for a while. When I realized she was turning on me, I should have thanked my lucky stars that a beautiful blonde with a long legs and a perfect ass had given me everything for a while, and then I should have walked away, and I did walk away, three times, but I couldn't stay away. Put that down to loneliness and horniness and uncertainty. When would I possess such beauty again? How did total strangers know that I would shrink away from confrontation? Something wimpy in my eyes and my demeanor, I suppose. If only I had been willing to take them out, to make the world a better place without their useless existences, and then follow them shortly after.
When I am just waking up from a deep sleep, or when I have just fallen asleep, I am seriously disoriented. I have trained myself to turn off my phone at night. The ringing of a telephone is the third most obnoxious sound in the world, after a baby crying or loud knocking on a door. When a phone wakes me up, I am out of bed and answering the phone before I am fully awake, and it is a truly nasty feeling. People say to me, but what if someone is dead and your relatives are trying to reach you? The dead person will stay dead until morning, shit for brains. Natalie the yunt used to wake me up just as I had fallen asleep. Like so many female yunts, she would get offended if I fell asleep after sex. Hellooooo! I have a sleeping disorder. I don't get enough sleep at night. I've been up all day long. And I just had sex with you. Please forgive me for falling asleep. Here's a thought, yunt. Who is more rude? Me, for naturally drifting off, or you for intentionally waking me up? I am glad I dumped your sorry useless ass. I am sorry I was so nice to you when you called that last time, but I was flush from my honeymon days with Jennifer (!) and I didn't feel the need to hang up on your sorry useless yunt ass.
I never should have taken Katie Walsh's lame bulshit "molestation" story seriously. But I was so crazy about her that I believed everything she said. She seduced me. She was aggressive with me. I never should have listened to her when she said she wasn't ready for a physical relationship. It was our fourth time fucking! We were half way through fucking, and she cut me off cold. How foolish I was to stop when she asked me to. I should have kept on fucking her, I should have ignored her bullshit nonsense, and I should have made her walk home the next day. Respecting her was the dumbest thing I could have done. She was a fucking whore, and I would have gained her respect if I had treated her accordingly.
I am cowardly and weak. I am fully responsible for the failure of my life. I cannot blame the people who have hurt me. If I had been strong enough to destroy them, that would have been at least authentic action rather than lazy whining inertia. What is the nature of my morality that has stopped me? How much has my morality been programmed by society? That which provokes anxiety in me beforehand, fear during, and remorse afterwards--that is my morality.
I will never amount to anything. I will never be a great writer, or even a good one. One day I will be dead and gone. One day my enemies will be dead and gone. That is some comfort.
With any luck, Shelley, Bridget, Andrea, and Breshka are suffering and, more importantly, aware of their suffering, and aware of the reasons for it. That is some comfort.
I have said this many times before, and I will say it again, just in case people think I am a complete spoiled brat. I know full well that I have it better than most people, and that I should be grateful for many undeserved blessings. Still, my mental illness has ruined just about everything. I would love to be active and happy and content. Are humans capable of such a thing?
Every once in a while I tune into Fox news, just out of curiosity. I grew up surrounded by liberals. I consider myself an independent thinker, sceptical of politics and politicians. When I was 15, I had no idea who Ronald Reagan was, except that he had just been elected president. I saw him speaking, and pegged him as a phony baloney right off. Admittedly, everyone seemed to be a phoney when I was 15, including myself, but still.
To this day, I cannot fathom the degree of veneration accorded to Reagan. When did the word liberal become equivalent to godless commie traitor moron? When did the word liberal become such an insult? Yes, I have seen democrats demonize republicans, but Fox news really takes the cake. Those people are absolutely obsessed with liberals. They cannot get through a few sentences without using the word. They use the word liberal like Hitler used the word jew.
I was raised as an american jew. My opinions are biased, however objective I might try to be. I am the furthest thing from an expert on the middle east conflict. If I was a muslim raised in saudi arabia, or a palestinian raised in france, no doubt I would view Israel in a different light. I am sure Israel sometimes goes overboard, sometimes acts pre-emptively without good cause, sometimes hurts civilians unnecessarily. I do not believe that god gave the holy land to the jews, because I do not believe in god, and if I did, I would consider the entire universe sacred, not just a patch of desert in the middle east. That patch was considered holy by the bible writers because it was the only land they really knew. Their "worldwide" flood only seemed worldwide because they never traveled far from home. But 2,000 years of christian anti-semitism, and muslim anti-semitism, and worldwide anti-semitism (which truly is worldwide) makes Zionism necessary. Israel is not a holy land, and it is not exactly what I would call a safe haven for jews, but it is all we've got. And that is why I support Israel's right to exist and defend itself, by any means necessary. The arabs are spoiled sports. They got their asses kicked in '48, '67, and '73, and they still won't give up. Peace in the middle east? It'll never happen. If I ever ran for president, I wouldn't bother with the peace process. Complete waste of time.
A study was done of three groups. Drug addicts and alcoholics trying to give up drinking and drugging through AA, a god-centered support group, a support group for atheists, and a set of individuals on their own, with no support group at all. Across the board, in all three groups, there was a 5% success rate. Of course, pseudo-religionists will give the same baloney response they gave when prayer was tested: "god doesn't like to be tested, so he purposely didn't help out." Baloney, baloney, baloney. god never helps, prayer never works. It doesn't matter if you love or hate jesus, and it doesn't mater if your peers are helping you out; giving up booze and drugs is really really hard, and most everyone fails. P.S. Prayer won't make you less of a homosexual or a lesbian either, so don't bother denying who you really are.
When I was working in a privately owned video store, Blockbuster took over the lot across the street, and the owners of my store pathetically and pointlessly staged a demonstration against big business. Some moron old man came into our store one day and said to one of the employees (not one of the owners), "I think you people are being un-christian." What a freaking moron. First of all, why say this to an employee? And what has religion to do with this situation? Is blockbuster somehow christian? Did this guy expect us to turn the other cheek, just to make jesus happy? What a clueless, irelevant human being. Quite rightly, the employee just gazed at him silently. To respond in any way would have been very silly. In any event, my store went under for any number of reasons, and that paragon of pious virtue Blockbuster is now thriving under god's special protection.
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